Solo mode!

I feel so irritated! Its so hard…. its hard doing everything and yet Im in a group. Im always in a group, usually group by 4 and the other 3 are my friends and yet no matter how big my group is… I always end up doing all if not majority of the work. Then my performance is not that good or my work does not reach the expectations of the teachers. Well…. All i can say is that my work wont ever meet the expectation of the teacher if they expect a work that was made by 4 but our work is always made by 1!!!! So all the mistakes in the work usually belong to me…. I noticed that for everytime this happens I usually get so stressed out…. because we end up usually nearly failing because I end up doing all the work and ofcourse I commit many mistakes.

The work meant for 4 is made by 1 so the performance or output is not that good as that of if 4 people worked on it and it also takes longer to make. I have groupmates but I can never really rely on them because they never listen in class and there are times they don’t even attend class. How can I ask them to do something if they don’t even know what it is all about…. So i end up doing everything and suffering and having long periods of no sleep.

I got pissed out lately because I let my groupmates do something in a group project…. they made the project proposal and I was gonna program. In the end, I learned that It was better If i did everything becuause my groupmates made the proposal hard. They proposed that we were going to make a system, not just any system but a very large system with design and plenty of functions…. the problem is the only person capable of programming is me…. It would take a lot of studying and time to make this… time that we don’t have…. SO I HAVE TO STUDY, CRAM AND PROGRAM the whole thing and make it presentable to a prof that asks so many things… and all I can do is try to make the revisions he said before…. Now i have to program so that I can get enough bonus points to pass the subject and my groupmates decided to give up on the subject…. which pissed me off! since this project proposal is theirs…. Parang sila ng suggest na ito gagawin at sobrang dami nilagay na gagawin pero di pala nila kaya gawin at ako din gagawa lahat tapos babagsak kami dahil sobra dami kailangan gawin na di ko kaya gawin lahat ng mabuti…. buti sana pag isang major function lang…. mgagawa ko tpos mapapaganda ko pa…. pero inde e…. sobrang dami pnropose tapod si namin magawa so kawawa kami… sobrang dami napropose tapos ako lang gagawa lahat since halfway nagive up na sila…..

Next time Im going SOLO!!!! Im tired of people grouping with me and I end up doing all the work and they just get to share the credit with me….. Im tired of getting stressed out because of nearly failing because my performance wasn’t good enough because I cant finish the work all by myself!!!

Call It Karma by Silverstein

I really liked this song, this reminded me of many things… I used to sing this often during my second year in college while I was taking my Relstwo or religion class, our outreach was in the church near Daryll’s and we were the choir there. Everytime we went there to do our choir duty I would be listening to my ipod and singing this song while we were taking a break. Brings so many memories of me, daryll, Q and biong hanging out every saturday in Timog Ave, drinking starbucks every saturday…..

Blame it on the weather, but I’m a mess
And this February darkness has me hating everyone
And I know I need your comfort, but this drama makes me sick
And the longer I lay here I know it’s harder to get up
without you

[Chorus:]
Lose another day here
Lose another year here
I’m with you

Find me something out there that’s making sense
And it’s just another trend carefully hidden in your dress
And the cycles neverending and the fashions overdone
And the further that I run away, the further I’ll come back
to shelter…

[Chorus]

You are the fire on my apartment floor
Sixteen stories, I’d rather burn than fall
It isn’t fate that took us all by storm
It’s just the turn of a card

[Chorus]

You are the fire on my apartment floor
Sixteen stories, I’d rather burn than fall
It isn’t fate that took us all by storm,
It’s just the turn of a card

Goodbye, old friend
Goodbye, goodnight
I’ll move on
You’ll call it fate, I’ll call it karma
We had our time, it was fun
while it lasted

I’ll look back with honor
and no regrets
I won’t be mad, won’t feel bad
These memories will never leave me
Don’t be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
It’s getting too late
Tomorrow is here

Why am I alive?

Recent events have lead me to question my existence…. why am I alive? I actually spent a lot of time thinking about this… and then I even prayed and prayed so that I would see the answer… This all happened during my stay in college, during first year…. Then I met a group of people who became my friends. At first I was intimidated by them, then after some time I became confident and less shy. Before long, I was hanging out with them. I went to eat lunch with them, I accompanied them almost everywhere and anywhere. I had found it! I found my purpose in life along with the joining of the formdev org. I believed that my purpose in life is to be of help to others and to act as a guide to them. To support my friends and be with them and to act as a guide and cheer them whenever they are down or they feel sad. I’m not sure about them but Everything was fine. We got into arguments but we made up and we were all happy.

One day, something happened. One of my previous blog entries would show that I got really angry at some of my friends because of something they did. I spent the entire day frustrated and angry… until a friend of mine Paul talked to me about this in YM. We actually spent the whole day talking and i felt comforted. Then another one of my friends talked to me about it. It was Rane, she actually cheered me up and after she talked to me about it. I felt there was no more problems and then it happened. I thought wrong.

Another person contacted me through ym and asked me how was i feeling, I felt fine all in all and then she said she posted something in my blog but deleted it afterwards. I became curious as to what she posted and asked her about it. So she honest and frank so she told me. What she told me depressed me so much that the thought of committing suicide entered my mind. She said that they were like that because they were closer to the other set of friends than I am. So, the message I received there was sort of they prefer them over me and I was somewhat just some backup and extra friend that they got to know some time later…. Then we had a long debate on why and how friends are and how friends treat others….. then after all that…. I felt as if my purpose here was gone…. Why am I alive? I thought my purpose was to be for my family and friends…. then I realize that the friends that I want to dedicate my life to actually think of me as less of a friend….

I stopped smiling…. this is one of the moments in my life I got serious, i never got this serious before…. Im usually a happy go lucky guy who laughs all the time… but this time… I stopped smiling and I felt like crying…. The people who I love and care about and the people I want to sacrifice everything for didn’t even care about me…….

We didn’t finish the conversation, she needed to go sleep and she left…. which left me…. alone…. feeling down…. empty…. thinking about my life…..

Grabe! Asar!!

grabe! nakakaasar sobra!!! masaya na sana araw ko e kahit bagsak ako sa 2nd depex ng stramis! pero atleast tpos na un report sa defense at wala na gagawin!

Wala e! sobra ako friendly at mbait e nakita ko mga kaibigan ko tpos tinawag ko ang tnry ko kausapin e! pero di ako pinansin e!! tapos nung kinausap ko afterwards… sabi daw nkasimangot ako?!?! syempre sinu naman hindi sisimangot pag hindi pinansin tpos binaliwala lng! para sa ibang tao maliit na bagay lng un… pero para sa akin malaking bagay un! pag di ka namansin ng tao o pag binaliwala mo lng sya ang lumalabas dun wala ka respekto sa tao na yun at parang wala syang kwenta!

Kakaasar pa dati mga 2 linggo, nglalakad ako sa hallway tpos di ko sila napansin nung tinawag nila ako, sobrang nahiya pa ako nun sorry pa ako ng sorry sa kanila nung sinabihan nila ako di ako namamansin…. tpos ngayon sila di namansin tpos sinabi ko sa kanila… ako pa sinasabihan! Parang walang pinagsamahan e, sinasamahan ko sila tpos kausap ko pa paminsan minsan tpos ganun pa trato!!!!!!!!!!

Dinagdagan pa! kinakausap sila at tinatawag ko sila… di namamansin tapos biglang tinawag sila ng ibang tao, sila un pinansin at kinausap! ako naman paulit ulit tumatawag at knakausap pero wala! Parang di ako kaibigan e parang di ako kilala!

Grabe kung hindi lang ako ngbasa ng bible at tumambay sa formdev room ksama ibang kaibigan…. cguro ngwala na ako tpos may binugbog na ako!!!!

Discovering the Waterfront by Silverstein

I will promise myself I won’t care
Distracting myself from your stare
And I’ve seen this mistake once before
With your games I will never fall for

I’ve hung up my guns
I won’t kill again

I won’t forget you
I won’t forget you
I’m not gonna let you win
(I’m not gonna)

But I’m tired of lying
Tired of fighting you
And it’s not gonna change

You asked for my heart
You know that I’m down
But not the way you lie to me
And tear it all apart
And beg for me to stay

I’ve sailed off to sea
I’m not coming back

I won’t forget you
I won’t forget you
I’m not gonna let you win
(I’m not gonna)

But I’m tired of the lying
Tired of fighting you
And it’s not gonna change

Counting down
Make that sound
And you know it makes no sense

Counting down
Till you mess around
And I know you can’t ever change
When I’m trembling
Thrown overboard
When I’m ready to relive the past

Counting down
Make that sound
Break the silence

Pretend it’s not forever
I’ll pull myself together
I’ll say that I’ll forget her
I’ll breathe

And I’ll say she never hurt me
And look at it as learning
And laugh about the good and the bad

Because I will live forever
We don’t belong together
I know I’ll feel better
One day when I can make it through

I won’t forget you
I’m not gonna let you win
(I’m not gonna)

But I’m tired of lying
Tired of fighting you
And it’s not gonna change

I won’t forget you
(Counting down)
I’m not gonna let you win
(Counting down)
I’m tired of the lying
Tired of fighting you
And it’s not gonna change

Holy week…..

Its the holy week…. a small break from school work and such and a time to go to church and pray. Unfortunately I feel sort of depressed this holy week because Im staying at home, we are not going out…. were just gonna stay here at home for the whole holy week…. not only that but theres plenty of studies and work left from school for me to do so not only do I stay at home the entire week but I also get to study and work… I have a japala1 exam on monday, I also have my second departmental exam in stramis and I also have a project demonstration for msnetec in the morning which requires us to demonstrate the windows and web application…. I think I prefer being at school right now rather than at home. I’d rather be at school with my friends working than at home with nothing to do and working on the projects alone….

satisfying….

03/17/08

Today was pretty much a fun day…. It was all thanks to our class in msnetec. For once! hindi kami pinagalitan at pinagsabihan ni sir sol! mwahahah! mataas nakuha namin na grade sa pinakita namin kay sir kanina sa web application plus nakita namin may plus points pa pala kami before!!! weeee

congrats xan!

Today was another fun day! weee! although my morning wasn’t that fun. I spent my morning at the dentist having a root canal! it hurts so much!!! the pain…. too horrible to comprehend. After that I went to school to start programming for my project due for monday…. although I never got to do much because when I got there I accompanied a friend of mine, we went to eat at pizza hut…. yummy pizza! and then later when we were at the thesis room. I was struck by laziness….. so I spent the entire afternoon just surfing the net and playing with the two stuffed toys in the thesis room.

The small turtle and the new big fluffy stuff toy dog that blushes. Its soooooo fluffy! hahahah it makes a great pillow! A while later we went to the talent show that night. It was actually fun despite having few audience. The audience occupied only half of the auditorium and atleast 1/4 of the audience were members of the organization that hosted the talent show. There were 6 contestants and one of them was our friend xan! the other contestants were really great, specially the ones that played accoustic! There was even intermission numbers from pops orchesta and then there was a stand up comedy intermission. It was really funny! then when they announced the winners, xan won first place! hahahah congrats xan! she has a really great voice and is a really really really good singer! congrats xan!!!

Happy bday bea!

Today is Bea’s bday! hahahah it was a very happy and memorable day!

I went to school early because I only had one class for the day! after my class we went to the thesis room and we were all there then me and rane went to marvel to buy some supplies for bea’s party wee! we went to the garden near william shaw, the place where we first gathered during LPEP. The hut in the garden behind william shaw. me, rane, hsiao, bea, mg, kris ate cake and icecream! it was so fun! but my stomach hurt and my head was spinning, probably because of too much sweets. We never got to finish anything. We spent the entire morning there and later in the afternoon me and rane went to teach our formdev class.

During class bea texted us to go back to the same garden we were eating a while ago because liyan arrived and he brought sushi to eat. So after the formdev class, me and rane went there again and with liyan, bea and gina (followed after a while) we ate sushi heheh and we finished it all. It was really fun and memorable. Spent the entire day hanging out with friends and eating. Thanks for everything guys and thanks bea! hahahah

programming…

3/09/08

Its really weird…. I really hated programming before because it was so hard and my head used to hurt while programming. I even remembered during my first year in DLSU when I was introduced to programming. Every Compro1 class (Computer programming) class I’m usually talking to my friends and making loud noises while everyone is working and me and my friends just sit in front of the computers making fun of one another and I couldn’t even do a single and simple program back then and the subjects that I failed were all programming so at some point I wanted to avoid programming and wanted to shift to another course that involves less programming.

We were all fooled, there was no such thing as less programming when many said that BS-ICTM had less programming I believed at first. But now, Theres plenty of programming and probably ICTM has more programming than the other courses. But the difference now is… I got used to programming and now I like programming. I’m not sure but probably due to studying and exercising programming during my free time I got the hang of programming.

The funny thing is now I’m one of the many programmers in ICTM in my batch. When it comes to programming subjects I don’t have a difficult time anymore and the funny thing is other people ask me about programming so so strange…. I even like programming so much that when I’m not doing anything I program at home.

Never lose hope, even when you are not good at something now doesn’t mean that in the future you won’t be good at it. Everyone learns and gets better so just try it and do your best. I never liked programming and I even said I’m no programmer but in the end I like programming and I even teach others about programming.